Despicable Me

Being a massage therapist has its major inconveniences, such as having to be extra careful handling everything from kitchen knives to post it notes. One false move can put you in a finger condom for a week, and let’s face it, nobody likes condoms. As active as I am, I always suffer from inevitable cuts, scrapes, or jammed fingers, and finding creative ways to work around ailing digits can be a nuisance.

So, needless to say, I occupy a
meaningless existence, missing 
out on the finer experiences in life such as opening beer bottles with my bare hands, picking up broken glass, pyrotechnics, and carpentry. However, I do take full advantage of crushing aluminum cans on my forehead. For all intents and purposes, the world is virtually a string of insidious booby traps, not unlike the one those teenagers in Final Destination had to maneuver through in order to survive.

Facing eminent death at every turn is not a foreign concept to me, considering that I watch way too many movies moonlight as a ninja, but not even we can escape the cold and vengeful grasp of irony. While playing basketball this morning, I was being extra mindful not to jam my thumb for the third time in 3 weeks, only to sprain my ankle after stepping on some Neanderthal’s foot. It truly is a travesty to see a specimen of my athletic prowess to be reduced to gingerly limping through the pet store carrying a 35 pound bag of dog food. Not only that, you become painfully aware of how you take dorsiflexion for granted until you have to sit on the toilet, or drive to work in traffic. So glad I could amuse you Universe...at least I won’t have to wear a condom.

Has it really been a week?

It’s Haiku Wednesday bitches! Hmmm…I wonder if that configuration of words has ever existed prior to today…Forgive my elation; I was momentarily possessed by Eminem. Anyway, yall know what time it is...So, without further ado:

Today is Wednesday,

I had to be reminded.

Ginseng is costly.

Put down your phone or,

you will not enter my lane.

How quickly birds fly.

Just got a new phone.

I think I have arthritis.

I am appdicted.

I had tea with death.

The toll of knell rang softly.

Her black carriage waits.

Words are my one solace.

My mind is the soul’s canvas.

Paintings never cease.

Bonzai Daniel-san

Hey, it’s Haiku Wednesday! Well, okay, maybe I just made that up. Fine, maybe someone else suggested it, and then I created it. Does it really matter who in the  

Hey everyone, it’s Haiku Wednesday! I had this great idea come to me, and I thought I would share with you some Haiku. Nothing fancy….just something to put on the blog since I have people hounding affectionately reminding me to update it. I do have a few things in the works: short stories, poems, book reviews, and some random musings, however, I know how some of you like to intermittently hear my voice (and I suppose I should be more disciplined with writing everyday as well) I do not protest, I just don’t always like what my fingers type….I’m such a diva….or a perfectionist. I could be bipolar…I’ll take Haiku Wednesday for $200 Alex…

My dog is creepy.

He sits and stares at me.

I wish he could drive.

I love basketball.

My soul rejoices and sings.

My thumb is swollen.

The Rain is lovely.

Each drop fills my heart with joy.

The weatherman sucks.

The spider pulls close,

The corners of her device.

The prism deceives.

Raven and the moon,

Whisper deep into the night.
The wind's breath is cold.

Pinocchio's Wish

For the majority of my adult life I can honestly say that I’ve never really known what I wanted. Well, with the exception of a few things like wanting to fall in love, obtain wisdom, and become a ninja, I have always known that I want to go back in time and be seven again, when there was never a doubt about what I wanted.


At seven, I wanted to build forts, climb trees, ride my bike, pretend I was a soldier, an eagle, or a cheetah. I was really fast. As a matter of fact, the only person faster than me was my best friend Robert. We had Big Wheels and would pretend we were the motorcycle cops in that show CHIPS. We would spend hours setting up hundreds of plastic army soldiers, and then take turns shooting at each other’s forces with rubber bands. I used to love the soldier with a parachute, and the one who was thrusting his rifle forward with the bayonet attached. I thought the flamethrower guy was pretty cool too. You have to be incredibly brave to strap canisters filled with gas to your back. My curfew was when it got dark. Sometimes I would realize that it was getting late, and I would race the darkness home on my bike. Sometimes I won, sometimes my Mother would have to remind me that I needed to win more often.

I always wanted chocolate milk, my Dad’s grilled cheese sandwiches, his pancakes, and pumpkin pie. I enjoyed travelling with him too. We had a game we would play in airports where we would try to guess where people were from and what language they spoke. He would make me practice signing my name. On the way to school, I would read the newspaper to him while he drove, and we would listen to Paul Harvey on the radio. We used to go to the local swimming pool where they played 80’s music and my dad knew all the people who worked there. They all admired him and it made me admire him too. I loved swimming and I wanted to be a dolphin. I wanted water not to go up my nose when I swam upside down. I wanted to find buried treasure, and turn cardboard boxes into space ships that would take me to the moon so I could walk on it. I wanted to watch my dad coach sports, take me to ball games, and have him unfog my snorkeling mask at the beach.

I wanted to be next to my mom every breathing moment. I wanted her to tell me things would be okay when I came home with fresh wounds. I wanted to hear her voice, whether it was reading me a story, or just talking. I wanted to go with her to church, or the orphanage where she found me, to bring things for the children who hadn’t found their angel yet. I wanted to cry when she left, I wanted to feel like she could rearrange the cosmos, which she could. I wanted her not to die. I wanted to take her place. I wanted to see her one last time.

Unfortunately, I’ve had to let go of all these things. In their place, there is one thing that I know I currently want. I celebrate these moments, because they do not come often. I hold onto them like a child does his first sea shell, and I pursue them relentlessly. Now, what I want more than anything is to be able to write great stories. I want to be able to breathe life into characters who laugh and cry, tell bad jokes, and dress badly. I want people to believe in their causes, worry for their safety, and hate the villains who thwart their success. I want them to hate their parents, want children of their own, have their hearts broken, and find true, unconditional, unbridled, and unceasing love. I want them to have dreams, missions, dates, sex, and high school reunions. Most of all, I want them to know what they want. 

Commercial Mania

Don’t know how many of you watched the Super bowl this year, but I was one of the alleged 111 million viewers. I am a devoted football fan and even though my team didn’t make the big game, I was still thrilled at the idea of getting to hang out with family and see the final grid iron match of the season. The super bowl is also a great opportunity to watch some witty, humorous, and imaginative commercials, of which I am also a huge fanatic. Unfortunately, the game wasn’t as entertaining as we all expected, but we did have the commercials to look forward to. In fact, most of the time was spent eating, talking, and playing with my nephew, stopping only to shush each other prior to a commercial breaks.

Of all the commercials that we saw, 3 in particular elicited boisterous laughter: A Dorritos ad, in which the chips were used to revive dead things,  a Bridgestone one that showed a guy who thought he had accidentally emailed everyone in his office, and subsequently drove all over the place systematically destroying everyone’s computers. (He even yanked out all the cords in the server room) Hysterical, and the third was a bud light commercial about a movie director who’s told that he’d get free stuff with product placements in his movie. I've included them here so you don't get sucked in to a mind-numbing vortex of sneezing pandas and laughing baby videos on youtube. (don't judge) Enjoy.

                                          


Oh, almost forgot. I really liked this next one too. 

New Year Endeavors

This past year was, in many ways, one of the best in my life. While I had no profound epiphanies, transformations, or adventures, I did make small discoveries, which allowed me to grow as a person and become a more efficient communicator. In and of itself, I suppose this is a rather significant accomplishment, however, the results were entirely unintentional; so I’m not really sure I can start patting myself on the back. I will however, celebrate in some fashion, preferably with profuse libation and dancing in the streets. There may or may not be singing. I can’t make any promises because I find that the acoustics in the shower are a little deceiving….

As we bid adieu to 2010, and reflect nostalgically on all of our successes and failures, we inevitably welcome a new one. In doing so, we attempt to dedicate ourselves to fulfilling a specific set of resolves, or determinations intended to improve the quality of our lives. These “resolutions”, as we so affectionately call them, not only occupy quite a bit of our energies, but can even fuel sales in certain industries. Furthermore, they are often the source of much worry when there is already sufficient stress surrounding the beginning of a new year. Generally, I don’t like to get involved with setting myself up for failure, so I’ve concluded to comprise a list of “endeavors” for the new year instead of resolutions. I like to think of them more as general compass directions instead of affirmations I’ve vowed to fulfill in this life or the next. Here is a list of a few endeavors I’d like to see come to fruition; naturally, sans stress:

1.     Write more on this blog

2.     Write in my journal

3.     Write more poetry

4.     Write short stories

5.     Write more letters

6.     Write a novel

7.     Write a children’s book

8.     Eat more flan

9.     Write about eating flan

10.   Pay closer attention to patterns and reoccurring themes in my life

11.   Grad School

As you can see, I intend to take this writing thing by the horns, (wait, am I even still a Taurus?) and really attempt to hone my craft. Regardless of my astrological association, I feel that it’s time I ignored the voices voice in my head warning me of complete and utter failure, and fully committed to writing. It’s about time I regained my focus, determination, and aspire to fulfill my literary destiny. I mean seriously, it’s not like I’m operating or anything. Hmmm…operating, I do like the sound of that...

Helplessly Romantic

I sincerely hope that you all had a blessed and fulfilling holiday. I realize that it has been a little while since our last correspondence, so I figured it would be best to start the New Year on the right foot. Particularly, since the left is not nearly as handsome and veers slightly to the left. Nonetheless, we generally don’t talk about it as he is still loved.

As you all know, I come from a magical place that manufactures perfect shades of brown skin. Being a genetic benefactor of such awesome power also comes with other rewards, such as the proficiency to shout eloquent strings of expletives in another language, the ability to dance, and the capacity to consume copious amounts of flan. Communicating in multiple languages does have its obvious benefits, but it also has its nuances as well. For instance, my phone isn’t capable of typing the Spanish letter Ñ. This is paramount in order to distinguish the difference between the regular sounding “N” in Spanish, as in the word NO, and the accentuated “Ñ” found in the word AÑO, which means year. This “Ñ”, creates more of an “enyeeah” sound, making the word AÑO pronounced “Ah-nee-yo”.

I know what most of you are thinking, not a big deal. For the most part, the majority of you are correct. Whilst speaking, this creates no real obstacles for effective communication to occur. However, in writing, this little guy here ~, means the difference between conveying the word year, or the word anus. Needless to say, for the past few days I have been wishing all of my Spanish speaking brethren, and family, to have a Happy New Anus instead of a Happy New Year. And here you thought Spanish was so romantic.