Dumb ass of the Week

I suppose you've waited long enough, here is the Dumbass of the Week Award..... This week was extremely difficult to decide, being that stupidity was so pervasive in the news. Although I generally bestow the award to dumbasses for whom no love is lost, this week's award is given with a slight pang of sorrow.

Drumroll please......... The winner is a two way tie! I know, I know...nothing like this has ever happened before, but calm yourselves...shortly you will agree.

First up, the manly Serena Williams. I gleefully hand over the award to Serena, who lost her temper and went off on a line judge at the U.S. Open....in front of millions. The powers at be managed to bleep out the content, but lucky for you my venerable readers, I have been trained by the government to read lips. Although no one will repeat exactly what she said, I know the precise words that were hurled towards the meek and unsuspecting little Asian woman like sharp daggers. Walking towards the unsuspecting woman, with muscles flexing and veins pulsating, Serena said through gritted teeth, "I will shove this fucking ball down your fucking throat!" Upon hearing the threat, the little woman ran to the chair umpire like a defenseless child fleeing from the chupacabra boogie man, fearing for her life. Serena's hair was disheveled, her eyes glowed angry and red, and she glistened with sweat like a hungry she wolf in the moonlight. She looked rather serious.

The line judge told the chair ump that Serena threatened to kill her, and although those were not the tennis star's exact words, they pretty much meant the same thing to a little Asian woman with no ninja training. Later in the press conference, Serena acted like no one could ever be afraid of her because she's never even been in a fight. Hmmm...would you fight her? I Didn't think so. I fail to see where that path of logic is a sound defensive position.

Since Serena had already been given a previous warning in the match for hurtling her racket, this infraction was a point deduction, a point Serena couldn't afford with the game already at match point. Her opponent won by default. Although the odds were exponentially against her launching a successful comeback at that point in the match, it must undoubtedly suck to lose in such fashion. Serena was eventually fined $10,000 for the outburst, and although I think she should have been suspended, they allowed her to play with her sister in the doubles final. Here's to Serena.....dumbass!

And now, the co-winner of this week's award...[you know what to do]....Kanye West. Ugh, this pains me, but it must be done. I looked past the last time he opened his mouth when he wasn't rapping, but this faux pas is just unforgivable. As I'm sure all of you know at this point, during the MTV video music awards while Taylor Swift was receiving her first award, Mr. I'm a fucking asinine, dumbfuck imbecile, shit head, mother fucker, woe is me, I can do whatever the hell I want Kanye West, decided to interrupt the mild mannered teen and take microphone from Taylor's hands to announce that Beyonce's video was better. Seriously, who does that? He was appropriately booed and just like Senator Wilson's outburst towards the president, I think he should be reprimanded. Perhaps violently beaten with branches of wet Eucalyptus leaves then rolled in salt. I do love a variety of his songs, but I guarantee that I won't be buying anymore. What an ass.

Did I miss anyone?

Super Troopers

Enough of the philosophical, self reflective, transcendentalist, rhetorical, girly-man shit . . . let's get our hands dirty people. It's time for the Dumbass of the Week Award.

Last month a 72 year old woman was pulled over for a traffic violation in Texas. The video footage from the trooper's dashcam was recently released, and it shows the majority of what went down.

I was listening to the radio last night, where I discovered this tantalizing tale, and was amused by the banter between 3 radio personalities, two men and one woman. They argued extensively about whether the police officer's actions were justified, or whether he used excessive force in subduing the woman. The female in the group thought that excessive force was used and much of her argument was, "What if that had been your grandmother?"

Brown's professional assessment? [cue drumroll] I see no problem with how the officer acted, old woman or not. He followed protocol, was provoked, and reacted accordingly. The woman, regardless of her age, was a lucid, cognizant, seemingly mature adult, who possessed the full capacity to understand the possible ramifications of her actions. She vehemently denied to sign the speeding ticket, (an action which can result in your arrest) and when the cop said that he was going to arrest her, she dared him.

The officer instructed the woman to exit the vehicle and then stood between her and inches from on-coming traffic. She continued to use profanity while insisting that she was going to get back into her car, and had to be shoved back away from the dangerous stretch of highway twice, to deny her escape and secure both of their safety. The police officer went to apply handcuffs on the woman and she blatantly resisted arrest. At that point, the non compliant citizen was warned that she was going to be tasered, and believe it or not, she dared the constable to do that as well. After 4 additional warnings about being subdued by electricity for resisting arrest, the woman attempted to flee around to the other side of her vehicle, and was ultimately administered a shock of electricity which sent her to the ground.

What followed, were the woman's hilarious bellows of dramatized agony as she ate a foot long sub of "I told you this was going to happen dumbass." Personally, I think too many hot-headed cops jump the gun in similar situations, allowing their egos to preside over logic and problem solving skills. They tend to over react to profanity and use excessive force when unnecessary.

However, in this case, the woman could have avoided the entire escalation of events by simply signing the ticket. By doing so, you are not admitting fault, but waiving immediate arrest and confirming that you will either appear in court to fight the ticket, or pay your fine. She dared the cop, used profanity, put lives in danger by acting belligerent near passing vehicles, resisted arrest, and even attempted to flee. If that's not asking for it, I don't know what is.

I've included the clip for your scrutiny and entertainment. You tell me. If you were the judge presiding over this case, in who's favor would you rule?

People should know by now, Don't mess with Texas!

8 mile

Well, I think it's pretty obvious who the Dumb ass of the week is. Unquestionably, the award is bestowed to Plaxico Buress, a wide receiver for the New York Giants football team.

If you haven't heard already, numb nuts took a loaded weapon to a nightclub, and accidentally shot his stupid ass self in the leg. Right. In. The. Leg. I think I may have to repeat this for the sake of clarity; this man entered a night club with a LOADED weapon concealed in the waistline of his PANTS. And the only reason, he got caught for doing so illegally, was the minute fact that the gun accidentally discharged while in his trousers. And I thought this sort of thing only happened to fictional characters like Cheddar Bob.

What I think is even more asinine than the actual act of shooting himself in the leg, is that he is pleading not guilty to charges of criminal possession of a weapon, (basically carrying a weapon without a license) and carrying ammunition for said weapon. Both by the way, are Class C felonies, for which fuck face could be sentenced to 3 1/2 to 15 years in jail if convicted. Gee I wonder what the defense is going to use as their strategy; It wasn't me? Having to receive hospitalization for a gunshot wound from the very weapon you were carrying seems like very incriminating evidence to the contrary. a) You can't successfully shoot yourself in the leg without a gun and b) For you to receive a gunshot wound from the aforementioned weapon, there has to be the presence of ammunition. Guilty as charged, on both accounts.

I am sick and tired of hearing about these professional athletes with weapons in night clubs. How are they even allowed to bring firearms into nightclubs to begin with? If you're so worried about your safety, then hire a damn bodyguard or hang out with the offensive linemen. I'm pretty certain they could stop a bullet or two. Or here's a brilliant idea, If you're supposed to be recovering from an injury, how about not even going out to a fucking club to begin with? How bout that? Ass clown.

I don't think there should be any leniency because he's a professional athlete either. If anything, he should be prosecuted even more harshly for thinking he was above the law. I'm usually not one to desire ill towards my fellow man, but I gotta say, I hope he goes to jail. If for nothing else, just for being a dumb ass.

Surf's Up

I was perusing some on-line articles the other day, and I came across this gem about Car Surfing, which of course I had no choice but to comment on. I'm pretty sure I was being called upon to do so by a higher power, so I apologize in advance. Car Surfing is when a passenger of a car, or even the driver in some cases, performs stunts on the outside of the moving vehicle as if they were surfing it. The article describes that the CDC reviewed newspaper articles about Car Surfing that had been published over the last 18 years, (apparently they have that kind of time) and they found 99 articles on this riveting subject. I'm not a math whiz by any means, but by my calculations that's roughly 5.5 car surfing incidents a year, or 1 every 66.4 days. (rounded to the nearest decimal point) Of all of the reported stupidity, about 58 of those incidents ended in fatalities. In 75% of those cases, death was caused by blow to the head, from which we could also conclude that just about every other article included information about how some kid's medulla oblongata had to be scraped off of a stop sign.

The average age of the victims was 17.6 yrs old and 70% of them were also male. Surprise! If numbers hurt your head as much as they do mine, then we can further deduce that these kids were fucking stupid. What the CDC failed to investigate however, was the statistics regarding the race of these morons, the average income of the household from which they came, or perhaps the most imperative stat of all, where their fucking parents were during the conception of these brilliant ideas.

Now, I don't want to sound racist, but I don't think I would be going out on a limb if I said that the majority of these kids were probably white. And the only reason I'd say that, of course, is because the black kids were probably selling drugs and the Hispanics were working a Taco Bell drive through. I'm totally kidding, I'm pretty sure not all of them were allowed to work drive through right away. Again, I jest. The reason I know the majority of these kids were white, is because these injuries were incurred by engaging in an activity that has the word surfing in it.

It is a well known fact that 90% of African Americans don't like natural bodies of water. Of the 10% that do, 98% would rather eat fire than swim in the ocean. Conclusion, brothas don't like the ocean and wouldn't be caught dead surfing. In comparison, brown people LOVE the ocean. (I know this because it is my purpose to know) I know this because I am brown. Almost drowning in the ocean is kind of like a right of passage. That being said, most Hispanics are not huge fans of surfing, because we'd much rather swim, or play soccer on the beach. Obviously. Therefore, I can hypothesize with almost 100% certainty, that the kids participating in Car Surfing were unquestionably white. I'm not really sure what I intended to suggest by illustrating that they were Caucasian, besides that if you have white kids you should probably buy them a soccer ball . . . . . . or a helmet. You know, just in case.



note: Chinese and Indian children were excluded from these studies because they were too busy doing homework to be surveyed.

p.s.
I will be mildly impressed if you can identify both movie references. Hint: they're in parenthesis.

Bank Job

I know, I know, you minions have waited long enough for the coveted Dumb ass of the week Award. It certainly has been a while since the award has been given out, and not for a lack of dumb asses I must say. Because let's be honest, this thing could practically have a two hour special on ABC and we still wouldn't have enough to go around. Between Congress, our cockamamie president, celebrities, Wall Street, and Clay Aiken (was that even necessary?), there are more than enough award recipients. Tempting as it might have been to hastily bestow this award on any one of the aforementioned nitwits, I think there is an organization that is even more deserving. Okay, so maybe not $700 billion dollar bailout kind of deserving, but equally so. . . . in principal.

And the award goes to, [overly dramatic digitally enhanced surround sound drum roll] the Federal Bureau of Investigation. That's right people, I'm calling out the Bureau. As this article explains, A Wells Fargo bank branch in California got robbed not once, but twice. In the same day. Three hours apart. And they were robbed by none other than the infamous "Chatty Bandit" and "Hard-Hat Bandit". The Chatty-bandit? Are you serious? This is the best nickname they can come up with for an outlaw that has robbed 9 banks at gunpoint without getting caught? Of all the distinguishable characteristics that are pertinent to the case, is this fugitive of the law properly summed up as chatty? I find it difficult to believe that with all the specific training they receive on profiling and studying the criminal mind, that chatty was deemed the most befitting description for this miscreant. And how the hell do they even know that? You would think that a bank robber that stood around for a long time making idle conversation with a bank teller would have been caught by now, no?

You! Fill this bag with money or I'll shoot you in the face! Yeah, so, I'm only really doing this because I'm considerably tired of these gas prices and I really wanted some excitement in my life. I just hope that my family understands when they see it on the news, because that would really be disheartening to not have them understand the amount of stress I'm under to make a better world. I would tell them at Aunt Jenny's BBQ next week, but at this rate, I may be entirely too busy to even show up. I mean really, 9 banks is a lot for only starting less than 6 months ago don't you think? I might have to hire a few assistants or even start a corporation. Does this mask make me look fat? So, how long have you worked here? Don't worry about what I said earlier about shooting you in the face, I really didn't mean that. I would totally like get you in the leg or something. Wow, what a beautiful necklace is that gold?

I'm sure that the FBI, in all their infinite investigative wisdom can conjure a more appropriate sobriquet for this bandit than chatty. Who the hell is in charge of making this shit up anyway? Johnson! Yes Captain. What do we have so far? Uh, well nothing so far sir, we're still interrogating all the witness. Anything concrete yet? Well, no sir, but we do have one teller that is exceptionally chatty, she just keeps ranting about . . . . . Johnson that's it. That's brilliant! The chatty-bandit! Excellent work Johnson, carry on.

Keepin the Faith

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my little hiatus, but between Guitar Hero II, baseball record breaking milestones, and breeding blood hungry Pitbulls, frankly, I’ve been a little busy.

I know you are all dying to know who the dummy of the week is, and I assure you that it will be announced shortly, but before I do I’d like to bring you up to date with some current events, just in case some of you have been hibernating in a cocoon. (I love saying that word . . . . . cocoon.) Moving on.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested again for drinking while intoxicated, this time with cocaine on her person. Apparently she still can’t afford a driver or a tan.

You would think that a person with Britney’s money could afford a wig that looked some what real. I would almost prefer it if she’d just wear one of those Jamaican hats with the fake dreads. I think one of those fake arrows would be really cute too, but some how I think that would trigger an uproar in the Native American community.

The morning show The “View” apparently got rid of one loud ass, nonsensical, fat lesbian for another one. At least Whoopi is funny though. Sometimes.

Drew Carey is now the new host of the TV show “The Price is Right” and “The Power of 10”. Because being an embarrassingly unfunny host on one show isn’t humiliating enough.

Alex Rodriguez hit his 500^th home run the other night. To put that into perspective, he’s only the 22^nd person in history to do so and only six of those twenty two have reached the 600 mark. A-Rod has shown interest in buying the baseball from the lucky Yankee fan who recently had to sell his house due to unemployment. He’ll now be able to afford a nice New York apartment facing a brick wall. Cha-ching!

Barry Bonds finally hit his 756^th home run surpassing Hank Aaron’s all time record. I’m happy for Barry even though he isn’t the most liked athlete out there. And before people start pointing fingers concerning steroids, take a good hard look at the “holier than thou” NFL. Definitely no juicers there.

Eddie Murphy is off somewhere thinking up another horrible idea for a movie.

Tom Cruise has just prayed 3 Hail Aliens.

Now that we’re all caught up in the world, here is the dumb ass of the week . . . . . Drum roll please . . . . . The award goes to Rev. Robert Whipkey of Frederick, Colorado. As if the Catholic Church needed anymore indecent “exposure”, this ignoramus decided it was okay to go jogging naked on a high school track at 4:30 in the morning. He told officers that he sweats profusely if he wears clothing while jogging. Apparently priests are horrible liars.

When approached for questioning the quick witted Pope dawned a disguise and plugged in his ipod.