Snatch

I have a slew of blog posts that are eagerly waiting to be published and enjoyed by my thousands hundreds many two readers, but after perusing today's headlines, I knew that the following story took precedence. Along with my admiration for breasts, most of you know that I revere animals as well. Oftentimes, holding them in even higher regards than most humans; particularly the stupid ones. Case in point, Jessica Simpson.

CNN.com reports that a wild coyote snatched Jessica Simpson's beloved maltipoo, Daisy, then vanished whence it came. While certainly a tragedy, this event simply reinforces my belief that dogs weren't meant to be bred for toting around in purses. To add insult to injury, Jessica Simpson, in all her infinite wisdom, is offering a reward for anyone who can reunite her with her little dog carcass. Someone needs to tell her that her dog was pretty much dead the second it was abducted. To my knowledge, coyotes aren't the type of scavengers to bestow a pardon to their prey. Anything dubbed a maltipoo, was destined to be low on the food chain anyway. Many of her fans showed their support via Twitter, hoping that the star would eventually find her pooch. Apparently, her fans are just as bright as she is. Sorry Jess, should have gotten a Rottweiler.

Turner and Hooch

I thought I’d give you a quick update on the Michael Vick situation, just in case you haven’t heard, although I know that the majority of you are extreme animal lovers and probably just came back from a protest anyway. Here was the result of your efforts.

We’ve already established that federal courts don’t play around. With the state courts, you have a little leeway. You can probably finagle getting an Atlanta Falcon fanatic for a judge, a reasonably lenient jury, (perhaps even a few that had been bitten by dogs) and ultimately local law enforcement officers fond of misplacing or incorrectly labeling and storing evidence. No such luck with the Federal Courts.

Many of us have come to know the unfortunate atrocities that occurred at Michael Vick’s property, but what many of you may not know is that when Sir-breeds-a-lot was indicted, 3 other douche bags were as well. And as you can very well imagine, the other 3 defendants, albeit friends of his, were not upstanding, let me help you with those groceries, kind of citizens. The feds knew this and spent no time in exploiting their pasts. It took only a week for one of them to change his plea to guilty in lieu of a lighter sentence. Now we hear that the other two have finally agreed to cooperate with the government for similar deals. What this means for Vicky-poo? Not good. Basically this means that all his boys are going to sing like canaries and give up everything they know about Vick and his involvement concerning the allegations in return for mercy from the courts (Your dirty tax dollars at their best).

It’s even been rumored that the puppy slayer himself has considered a plea bargain. A source close to the investigation says that Vick has until Friday to make up his mind whether to accept a plea agreement. Otherwise a superseding indictment will be filed and Vick will face at least two more federal dog fighting charges. His lawyers are in the midst of negotiating a deal that would involve less than the year of jail time that the prosecutors have already offered. Looks like it's gonna be a maximum fine and minimum time. I’d hate to tell you I told you so. Well . . . . . not really. I have no problem saying it at all. Told you so.

Game On II

According to a new study, playing video games helps surgeons operate when using precise techniques as in a laparoscopy. A laparoscopy (Also known as minimally invasive surgery) is a surgical technique in which operations in the abdomen are performed through small incisions with the aid of telescopic lenses, video cameras, and fiber optics. Basically, the area of operation is magnified and projected onto a monitor, so the surgeon can see what the hell he/she is doing. (I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the porn industry starts strapping little cameras to the helmets of penises before they go spelunking, but until then, laparoscopy has the floor).

In this study, Surgeons who had played video games had higher test scores, and that experience had a greater influence than either their length of training or any prior experience in laparoscopic surgery. So, if you took a group of surgeons and gave half of them Playstations for a few months and the other half got to practice performing the actual operation with aforementioned instruments, the doctors who got to slay dragons and snipe communists would fair better in the O.R. Brilliant. And they needed an official study to prove what I’ve been saying all along.