The Devil's Advocate

Okay folks, quick updates on some celebrity criminals . . .

Lindsay Lohan (a.k.a. freckle titty), plead guilty to nine misdemeanor charges which included her second DUI with cocaine on her person and has been ordered to serve only 24 hours in jail. Her punishment might has well have been a massage and a pedicure. Thankfully she's still on vacation in rehab, and will finally be getting better.

On a lighter note, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes in jail (1 and a half minutes per pound). That is exactly one hour and twenty two minutes, which is barely enough time to watch a movie, catch a cold, or see the last two minutes of a football game. She was released early due to overcrowding, which is quite comical considering she’s skinny enough to fit IN BETWEEN the damn bars. She reportedly blinked 6,398 times during her stay and licked a Twizzler for nourishment.

Michael Vick met with prosecutors this morning and plead guilty. As you may already know there are minimum and maximum penalties associated with the charges. As part of his plea deal, Vick agreed to assist the government in testifying in other dog fighting cases in return for a lighter sentence. Now, even though the plea agreement carries a recommended sentence from the prosecution, the federal judge has the final say on what he feels adequate punishment will be. More often than not, the judge’s decision usually coincides with the government’s requests. We’ll find out if this is the case for Vick on December 10^th.

One more thing, I have something to say in regards to people who think he should be banned from the NFL for life. Although I don’t agree with what this man may have done, I also don’t agree with mercilessness. I think that he should serve his time as a result of his criminal actions as well as additional years suspended from the NFL and then be cleared to play. I think his subsequent punishment and fines should all benefit animal rights and rehabilitation. He’s already been dropped from every endorsement deal and lost millions in salary and merchandise (as he should have), but to vindictively strip away the only thing he’s ever known is vengeful, hateful, and unfair. I think he should eventually be allowed to play again, but preferably with a shock collar in case of poor performances.

Keep this in mind as well. As a convict, he will not have access to top notch training facilities and therefore will have great difficulty staying in professional athletic shape. Once released, he will have to continue training until the league suspension is served and he can be readmitted. Then, and only then, will he be able to attempt a comeback. However, you don’t just walk back onto the field and play. A team owner has to make the decision to offer you a job and that person won’t just be deciding whether or not you’re fit to play either (that’s the easy part), he’ll be deciding whether or not he wants to be the guy who offered a job to a dog killer. Vick will have to be as good as, if not better than when he left, in order for an NFL owner to conceive taking on the potential risk, and that possibility is even thinner than Nicole Richie. If people would only show the same passion in preventing child abuse, rape, illiteracy, and deforestation as they do in crucifying Vick, we all might live in a better place. Well…… at least one with more trees anyway.

Idle Hands

People often ask if my hands ever hurt or get tired and truthfully, the answer is no. On a rare occasion they can get a little fatigued as when having to massage a rhinoceros or if multiple deep tissue massages precede a few 90 minute massages back to back without a break. Otherwise, we therapists do a good job of incorporating the use of knuckles, forearms, elbows, and the base of the palm to save the fingers from not only getting tired, but for lasting an entire career.

The reason the lot of you last as long as a NASCAR pit stop when rubbing your loved ones is usually because you’re using nothing but thumb work and poor body mechanics. Instead of doing all thumb circles, next time try using the base of your palm, or the outer edge of your hand. Feel free to get creative. You can even use your forearms to apply compressions to the shoulders and back. When kneading tired muscles, use more of a grasping action with your whole hand. If the thumb is the only way to go, try bracing it with your other hand. We brace our fingers all the time to not only apply more strength, but to minimize wear and tear on individual digits. By the way, knuckles work wonders on the feet.

Just because we’re professionally trained doesn’t mean we’re above using tools either. I own a couple of hand held massagers which you can buy for five bucks at either Bath & Body Works, or Bed Bath & Beyond (they even work on the outside of clothing). I also have a few for deep tissue and trigger point work. However, those are a bit more expensive and require more skill and practice to use effectively. You can easily bruise some one, or lose an eye. Last I checked career choices are limited for pirates.

If you’re too lazy to go to a store, you can probably find a few tools to use in the kitchen. Knives, meat mallets, and blenders are good for mutilation, so stick to some big spoons, ladles, or a rolling pin to experiment with. Try not to spend too much time in the kitchen though, it may be difficult to convince your kids you’re playing doctor while mommy’s tied up and has an ice cream sundae on her crotch. “No Timmy, that’s not what popping a cherry means…”

My understanding of most relationships is that if your hands are even ON your significant other, then you’re a step ahead of the game. As long as you stay away from inflicting pain, you’ll be doing just fine. Do what comes naturally, don’t rush, and alternate your hands. Don’t worry too much if you don’t have the time or lack the creativity to give your spouse an effective rub down. After all, you can always send them to us.

Turner and Hooch

I thought I’d give you a quick update on the Michael Vick situation, just in case you haven’t heard, although I know that the majority of you are extreme animal lovers and probably just came back from a protest anyway. Here was the result of your efforts.

We’ve already established that federal courts don’t play around. With the state courts, you have a little leeway. You can probably finagle getting an Atlanta Falcon fanatic for a judge, a reasonably lenient jury, (perhaps even a few that had been bitten by dogs) and ultimately local law enforcement officers fond of misplacing or incorrectly labeling and storing evidence. No such luck with the Federal Courts.

Many of us have come to know the unfortunate atrocities that occurred at Michael Vick’s property, but what many of you may not know is that when Sir-breeds-a-lot was indicted, 3 other douche bags were as well. And as you can very well imagine, the other 3 defendants, albeit friends of his, were not upstanding, let me help you with those groceries, kind of citizens. The feds knew this and spent no time in exploiting their pasts. It took only a week for one of them to change his plea to guilty in lieu of a lighter sentence. Now we hear that the other two have finally agreed to cooperate with the government for similar deals. What this means for Vicky-poo? Not good. Basically this means that all his boys are going to sing like canaries and give up everything they know about Vick and his involvement concerning the allegations in return for mercy from the courts (Your dirty tax dollars at their best).

It’s even been rumored that the puppy slayer himself has considered a plea bargain. A source close to the investigation says that Vick has until Friday to make up his mind whether to accept a plea agreement. Otherwise a superseding indictment will be filed and Vick will face at least two more federal dog fighting charges. His lawyers are in the midst of negotiating a deal that would involve less than the year of jail time that the prosecutors have already offered. Looks like it's gonna be a maximum fine and minimum time. I’d hate to tell you I told you so. Well . . . . . not really. I have no problem saying it at all. Told you so.

Keepin the Faith

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my little hiatus, but between Guitar Hero II, baseball record breaking milestones, and breeding blood hungry Pitbulls, frankly, I’ve been a little busy.

I know you are all dying to know who the dummy of the week is, and I assure you that it will be announced shortly, but before I do I’d like to bring you up to date with some current events, just in case some of you have been hibernating in a cocoon. (I love saying that word . . . . . cocoon.) Moving on.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested again for drinking while intoxicated, this time with cocaine on her person. Apparently she still can’t afford a driver or a tan.

You would think that a person with Britney’s money could afford a wig that looked some what real. I would almost prefer it if she’d just wear one of those Jamaican hats with the fake dreads. I think one of those fake arrows would be really cute too, but some how I think that would trigger an uproar in the Native American community.

The morning show The “View” apparently got rid of one loud ass, nonsensical, fat lesbian for another one. At least Whoopi is funny though. Sometimes.

Drew Carey is now the new host of the TV show “The Price is Right” and “The Power of 10”. Because being an embarrassingly unfunny host on one show isn’t humiliating enough.

Alex Rodriguez hit his 500^th home run the other night. To put that into perspective, he’s only the 22^nd person in history to do so and only six of those twenty two have reached the 600 mark. A-Rod has shown interest in buying the baseball from the lucky Yankee fan who recently had to sell his house due to unemployment. He’ll now be able to afford a nice New York apartment facing a brick wall. Cha-ching!

Barry Bonds finally hit his 756^th home run surpassing Hank Aaron’s all time record. I’m happy for Barry even though he isn’t the most liked athlete out there. And before people start pointing fingers concerning steroids, take a good hard look at the “holier than thou” NFL. Definitely no juicers there.

Eddie Murphy is off somewhere thinking up another horrible idea for a movie.

Tom Cruise has just prayed 3 Hail Aliens.

Now that we’re all caught up in the world, here is the dumb ass of the week . . . . . Drum roll please . . . . . The award goes to Rev. Robert Whipkey of Frederick, Colorado. As if the Catholic Church needed anymore indecent “exposure”, this ignoramus decided it was okay to go jogging naked on a high school track at 4:30 in the morning. He told officers that he sweats profusely if he wears clothing while jogging. Apparently priests are horrible liars.

When approached for questioning the quick witted Pope dawned a disguise and plugged in his ipod.

The Fugitive

Yesterday, I found out that my sister is a fugitive of justice. I discovered her newly acquired talent last night when she called me to confess her crime. As any good brother would do, I recorded our conversation for evidence and this was her story . . . .

[my phone rings]

“Hello?”

“Brown, have you heard?

“Cris?”

“Oh my God,” I hear her hand slap her forehead. “You won’t believe what I did last week. I’m such a criminal!”

“Slow your roll there O.J., what happened?”

Taking a deep breath she began her explanation, “Well . . . . During an afternoon last week I was walking Lucy (her golden retriever) and as usual she was off-leash. We had already been out for a while and it was pretty hot, so we started to head back home through a park next to some running trails. As we came around a bend I noticed a park authority official getting down from her vehicle. As she descended from her truck I called Lucy over so that I could quickly attach her leash. Lucy miraculously came (which she never does) and as I snapped on the leash I looked up and noticed that the park authority lady had noticed and was already making her way towards me. As she made her sheriff-like approach she said she was going to give me a $350 ticket for walking my dog off-leash. I asked if I could get off with a warning, but she said that the county was done with the ineffective “warnings” and that she would have to issue me a ticket. She started writing furiously.”

“Uhuh”, I said listening intently.

“Well, I sure as hell didn't want to pony up $350 so I told her that I wouldn’t pay and started to walk off. What the hell was she gonna do, right? Then she said that she was going to call the police and I stopped dead in my tracks. Brown, I didn’t know what to do, I started panicking. So, I turned to her and said FINE, call ‘em! And I took off running.”

“You did WHAT?” I asked as I choked on my iced tea.

“I dunno what I was thinking, I just took off. As we ran I could hear her making a call on her walkie-talkie as she attempted to follow me while holding up the cumbersome utility belt that was obviously slowing her down. I sped through some trails and after coming around a corner I ditched my conspicuous red and white top in the bushes.

“No you didn’t”, I muttered in disbelief.

“Oh I totally did, I don’t know what came over me. I ran the rest of the way home, practically dragging poor Lucy behind me.”

“I can’t believe you, that’s fucking hilarious”.

“At nightfall, I went back and retrieved my shirt from the bushes.”

“Haha, you better not walk Lucy around that park again.”

“I know, I know, I’ve been avoiding the neighborhood altogether and I’ve even been wearing a hat all week. I told some people at work and now everyone has been calling me a criminal.”

“A criminal on the run huh? Hehehehe . . . .sorry, I couldn’t resist. Let’s just hope they don’t find out about those highlighters.”

“How’d you know about those?”

“Let’s just call it a hunch”

All Dogs go to Heaven

Well, I suppose I’ve been quiet long enough. Every possible form of media has covered the story, and it’s finally time for Brown to comment. As long as you promise to do the same.

First, the facts as they have been presented . . . . As you all undoubtedly have heard, Michael Vick, the starting quarterback and face of the Atlanta Falcons, has been indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of “knowingly sponsoring and exhibiting a dog fighting venture”. He is being charged with breeding dogs for the use of fighting, testing their ferocity, and executing those that lose, or found unfit for combat. After an executed search warrant, the FBI seized 66 dogs, including 55 pit bulls, and equipment typically used in dog fighting. Another search was conducted by the Department of Agriculture and they found the remains of seven dogs.

For those of you with stuffed animals, or weak stomachs, I caution you prior to proceeding. . . . According to the indictment, in April of this year about eight dogs were found not ready to fight and were killed by hanging, drowning, and/or slamming at least one dog’s body to the ground. In March of 2003 after the loss of one of Vick’s Pit bulls, one of his friends was seen consulting with him about the dog’s condition, then executed it by wetting it with water and then electrocuting it. You read correctly, the dog was hosed down and then electrocuted. The name of Vick’s K-9 enterprise was Bad Newz Kennels. No red flags there or anything. Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and drop my kids off at, “Child Molesters R’Us” day care.

Michael Vick claims to not have known what was going on at his own property. Sure, that’s like not knowing you have crabs. The commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, suspended Vick today, telling him to stay away from training camp until the NFL’s own investigation was complete. Vick's arraignment is to be held on Thursday. Most professional athletes get to play during their legal issues, but no such luck for Vick (aka Ron Mexico). The comish implemented a new rule which pretty much takes you off the field until the dust settles. Furthermore, Vick’s hearing is going down in Richmond, VA, apparently the fastest paper-pushing court system in the Universe. This could go to trial in six months. That’s a shame because I rather like seeing naked PETA protesters.

Unlike every professional athlete that preceded Vick involved with legal troubles, none was ever associated with crimes so unspeakably brutal. Everyone knows why O.J. did it, but how could Vick do this to man’s best friend? I’ll tell you why, because he is trash, the scum of the earth. “Oh my, such harsh words for a man who’s yet to be proven guilty”, you say. Well, allow me to retort . . . This is no small town rape charge buddy and he isn’t being charged by some backwater district attorney either, he’s being prosecuted by the Federal Government. Federal indictments have a success rate of 90%, which means they not only do their homework, but they don’t fuck around. This makes the Duke lacrosse allegations look like second grade finger pointing.

He’s facing up to 6 years in prison and a $350,000 fine. I have a hard time believing that he’ll see any jail time, but if he does, it won’t be more than a couple anyway. Although the worst of the damage has yet to be unveiled, Vick is already in a lose/lose situation. We are a nation that loves its dogs. We look to them for companionship, protection, sport, therapy, search and rescue, guiding, guarding, hunting, law enforcement, entertainment, and even as accessories (ala celebrity dogs). Even if he is proven innocent, which is still possible, not even a Super Bowl championship will bring him redemption or forgiveness. His jersey, usually a number two best seller, has now fallen to number 33.

The fact of the matter is, even if he personally didn’t harm these animals, he not only associated himself with people who did, but provided the environment for these barbaric and inhumane acts to be carried out in. Apparently, you can take Vick out of the “hood”, but you can’t take the "stupid" out of Vick. He’s the proud recipient of this week’s, “I should have just fondled a white girl” award. Dumbass.

Dumb and Dumber

As you all know, the world’s inhabitants produce an endless supply of reality TV shows, coffee, and stupidity. From Britney to the President, even the Universe’s elite citizens aren’t devoid of premium, grade A, maximum strength, time released, triple action Stupidity. We all have fallen victim to its spell at one point or another, but usually not with fatal results.

The following stories portray recent examples of humanities luckiest idiots and of Mother Nature trying to tie up some lose ends.

Dumbass number one: British man becomes the first to swim a half a mile in the North Pole, wearing nothing but Speedos and a swim cap. Personally, when I heard about this boneheaded imbecile, I was hoping for him to emerge from the icy waters having fed one of his limbs to a killer whale. No such luck. All limbs were in tact and he was all smiles. Although they did say it took him four days to find his genitals.

Had I known of this majestically stupid plan in time, I would have constructed a mechanical Great White Shark and deployed it to the freezing waters of the North Pole to devour him. Leaving nothing but the Speedos of course.

Dumbass number two: A 50 year old man landing a plane in Kentucky said, “Fuck it, I’ll land this sumbitch without landing gear.” After skidding down the runway for a few hundred feet with enough sparks to reignite Vanilla Ice’s career coming from the planes underside, he was found unhurt.

That’s right my trustee followers, this astronomically stupid ass clown forgot to lower the plane’s specially engineered landing gear prior to descending upon the runway. He claims he was distracted by another plane taking off, because apparently that sort of thing never happens at airports.

Dumbass number three: In Ohio, a 22 year old man tried to take down a power line to steal and sell the copper inside. He was electrocuted and found dead, tangled in the wires.

Watt-a-Shocker.

Last but not least, Dumb asses 4 and 5 and winners of this weeks You Can’t Fix Stupid Award:

After overcoming testicular cancer, recent college graduate Michael and his older brother Lawrence, an Air Force Captain, decided to celebrate life by going to Pamplona, Spain to participate in the Running of the Bulls. During the most asinine tradition still in practice today, the brothers were simultaneously attacked by a 1300 lb pissed off Spanish bull on a part of the course known as "Dead Man's Curve". Michael’s leg was so severely injured that the doctors considered amputation. His half-witted brother suffered an eight inch gash to the left buttock.

Both of these pin headed buffoons nearly escaped death. Why they couldn’t just swim in the fucking North Pole with normal people, I’ll never know. For a more detailed glimpse of my true sentiment towards these senseless jerk offs who gather in the thousands to run alongside enormous bulls along narrow and enclosed streets, read my Raging Bull entry below.